The Sore Throat I was having yesterday did indeed ignore my attempts to ignore it, and so I have spent today on the couch, drinking herb tea that even NYU says will help and watching the end of "Big Love" and refraining from going and buying a copy of "The White Goddess" and drawing Maiden, Mother, and Crone analogies all over the place. And then mailing it to some poor beleaguered professorial type with a note that says, "HOPE YOU DIG MY THESIS HAVE SOME SRIRACHA POTATO CHIPS PEACE OUT."
Stay home, ocelot. You're sick.
Obviously, the only thing for a sick woman with no-one to whine at is read gardnerians and crack up at the following -
"Really, we’d rather spend our last 30 minutes doing something epic, like initiating anyone who walks slowly enough across our lawn."
See, I can picture this, because even if I have no talent for film, my brain thinks it needs to make stuff like this into little movies:
The door to the Trailer Of Doom creeeeeaks open, a pair of small hands shoots out and grabs a denizen of the Trailer Park Of The Damned and yanks them off their feet and inside the door. Muffled, rythmic thumping and loud chanting ensues for a few moments.
The back door opens. A pair of hands under the arms of a butt-nekkid, bewildered redneck lowers said redneck gently to the ground. Our Involuntary Initiate has beads around their neck and a black book in one hand. It's like an assembly line: person in, bewildered naked book-holding person out. Finally, one of the poor SOBs opens their book, and reads the following:
(camera zooms in)
(Big fancy letters) All this be Oathbound; keep thou secret our Rites and tell ye nought.
(page turns, camera zooms in again 'cause these letters are smaller)
(Plain text) That means, "Don't tell nobody."
Fin.
Showing posts with label Chaos Ensues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chaos Ensues. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Wherein The Ocelot Makes With The Magic.
So.
Fundie Housemate has been moping around because Husband and I were fine with his "prayer meeting" in the communal living room (his personal one is almost as big, so the question of why it had to be out there in the first place remains unanswered) until he announced that there would probably be drumming. Electronic drumming. From 9 until 11pm. Y'know, the hours when people who are fortunate enough to have jobs are sleeping.
We have to get up at 5am even on Saturdays, so being kept up by a lot of noise didn't thrill us. We expressed this concern. At no time did we say he couldn't do this - just that we did not want to be kept awake or awakened by it. Out concerns were not addressed.
Two days later - Thursday - FH told me rather glumly that he wouldn't be having his "prayer meeting". So we wouldn't be disturbed after all. "Oh,", I replied, and turned to a far more satisfying conversation with my cacti. He has been more-or-less ignoring me ever since, and I have been rather content with this.
Last night, he apparently decided that being a pain in my ass was far more fun. I was minding my own business and cooking, I-Pod Shuffle firmly on collar and headphones in ears. Rob Zombie was serenading me and I was fairly relaxed. Enter FH. Who starts babbling at me, despite the aforementioned headphones. I took them out to see what was going on now.
He asks if I have an issue with him, in tones that do not indicate any desire to return to a more friendly state of affairs. This peeves me, and I say that no, I do not*, and does he have one with me? He doesn't, he insists, but it certainly seems like I have one with him, and my attempts to explain that his perception is not my problem goes unheeded. He continues making mouth noises at me. I announce that I am cooking, I have been enjoying this Shuffle thing, and that I'm going back to what I was doing, now.
This is when he Makes A Mistake. Because over Mr. Zombie, I hear, "You're the rudest person who's ever lived here" and "I've tried to be nice."
OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT SHIT TO ME.**
Out go the earbuds. The Death Stare gets locked on. I intone, "OK. I AM BEGINNING TO FEEL THREATENED."
Suddenly he protests, far less forcefully, that he's not making threats, he's not being threatening. Earbuds back in, and Ignore gets set to 10. Then the freaksomeness sets in, because when Husband appears a few minutes later, FH acts like there is nothing. going. on.
I explain, when FH exits, that I am seriously over this shit, and if this dude thinks he's going to throw tantrums at me every time he doesn't get his way (eating entire sticks of my butter without asking, letting his guests come in and use whatever they like, not keeping us awake, using my sugar without asking, etc.), he is in for a full-force Bringing Down The Fiery Shit Right On His Head.
But then I think, after a fitful night's sleep. What do I really want? If he leaves, there might be someone even worse. I like the yard and even The Land, and don't really want to move. I really just want him to leave me alone, to not speak to me beyond "excuse me" or "good morning/evening", to keep his guests out of my things, and to generally behave as though I don't exist. How to go about it? I need quick and dirty. This is when I recall these things called "freezer spells". Off to Rune Soup (link) I go, and take a trip to Kroger and the local botanica.
So the ocelot's To Do list looks like this:
1. Bind FH.
2. Open roads for new, improved job and new, improved housing.
3. Try to find clothes for a 6pm wedding that aren't black.
4. Try to stem the tide of laundry by actually putting the clean clothes away.
Wish me luck - and safety. This guy's obviously got problems, and I want to be left out of them.
*Yes, I know I do, indeed, have issues with him. Hypocritical and bad. But as these are issues unlikely to be resolved by anything short of me converting or him learning the basic lesson of "don't touch what isn't yours, up to and including someone's belief system", neither of which is likely, I see no point in addressing this.
**When someone says this when you're obviously trying to ignore them, it's a threat in my book. There's the implication that you're going to start being unpleasant, and when you're already being unpleasant, well, what's next? Especially when other women who have rented here have called the cops on you for being threatening, if not violent. Other Housemate discounted that incident, but I'm starting to think I should have dug a little deeper about it before moving in.
Fundie Housemate has been moping around because Husband and I were fine with his "prayer meeting" in the communal living room (his personal one is almost as big, so the question of why it had to be out there in the first place remains unanswered) until he announced that there would probably be drumming. Electronic drumming. From 9 until 11pm. Y'know, the hours when people who are fortunate enough to have jobs are sleeping.
We have to get up at 5am even on Saturdays, so being kept up by a lot of noise didn't thrill us. We expressed this concern. At no time did we say he couldn't do this - just that we did not want to be kept awake or awakened by it. Out concerns were not addressed.
Two days later - Thursday - FH told me rather glumly that he wouldn't be having his "prayer meeting". So we wouldn't be disturbed after all. "Oh,", I replied, and turned to a far more satisfying conversation with my cacti. He has been more-or-less ignoring me ever since, and I have been rather content with this.
Last night, he apparently decided that being a pain in my ass was far more fun. I was minding my own business and cooking, I-Pod Shuffle firmly on collar and headphones in ears. Rob Zombie was serenading me and I was fairly relaxed. Enter FH. Who starts babbling at me, despite the aforementioned headphones. I took them out to see what was going on now.
He asks if I have an issue with him, in tones that do not indicate any desire to return to a more friendly state of affairs. This peeves me, and I say that no, I do not*, and does he have one with me? He doesn't, he insists, but it certainly seems like I have one with him, and my attempts to explain that his perception is not my problem goes unheeded. He continues making mouth noises at me. I announce that I am cooking, I have been enjoying this Shuffle thing, and that I'm going back to what I was doing, now.
This is when he Makes A Mistake. Because over Mr. Zombie, I hear, "You're the rudest person who's ever lived here" and "I've tried to be nice."
OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT SHIT TO ME.**
Out go the earbuds. The Death Stare gets locked on. I intone, "OK. I AM BEGINNING TO FEEL THREATENED."
Suddenly he protests, far less forcefully, that he's not making threats, he's not being threatening. Earbuds back in, and Ignore gets set to 10. Then the freaksomeness sets in, because when Husband appears a few minutes later, FH acts like there is nothing. going. on.
I explain, when FH exits, that I am seriously over this shit, and if this dude thinks he's going to throw tantrums at me every time he doesn't get his way (eating entire sticks of my butter without asking, letting his guests come in and use whatever they like, not keeping us awake, using my sugar without asking, etc.), he is in for a full-force Bringing Down The Fiery Shit Right On His Head.
But then I think, after a fitful night's sleep. What do I really want? If he leaves, there might be someone even worse. I like the yard and even The Land, and don't really want to move. I really just want him to leave me alone, to not speak to me beyond "excuse me" or "good morning/evening", to keep his guests out of my things, and to generally behave as though I don't exist. How to go about it? I need quick and dirty. This is when I recall these things called "freezer spells". Off to Rune Soup (link) I go, and take a trip to Kroger and the local botanica.
So the ocelot's To Do list looks like this:
1. Bind FH.
2. Open roads for new, improved job and new, improved housing.
3. Try to find clothes for a 6pm wedding that aren't black.
4. Try to stem the tide of laundry by actually putting the clean clothes away.
Wish me luck - and safety. This guy's obviously got problems, and I want to be left out of them.
*Yes, I know I do, indeed, have issues with him. Hypocritical and bad. But as these are issues unlikely to be resolved by anything short of me converting or him learning the basic lesson of "don't touch what isn't yours, up to and including someone's belief system", neither of which is likely, I see no point in addressing this.
**When someone says this when you're obviously trying to ignore them, it's a threat in my book. There's the implication that you're going to start being unpleasant, and when you're already being unpleasant, well, what's next? Especially when other women who have rented here have called the cops on you for being threatening, if not violent. Other Housemate discounted that incident, but I'm starting to think I should have dug a little deeper about it before moving in.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Creepy Things.
Trothwy and Evn have heard all about the Scary Thing in one corner of the yard. It wasn't immediately evident until we'd been in the house a few weeks, then - WHAM. I was walking the dog at 5am or so, and suddenly got the feeling that Something was going to come out of that corner and eat us both if I didn't pick him up and high-tail it back inside.
I did no such thing, of course. I put a protective circle around us, waited for the dog to do business, and then went calmly inside. I thought whatever it was would see that A. trying to scare me wasn't fun and B. that we meant it no harm. I was wrong. The Scary persisted, though it's lessened somewhat.
Now, this is the Creepy part.
I advised the Scary Thing, after an annoying visit by Crazy Landlady last week, that I was certainly less likely to annoy it than she is, so it might consider helping me keep her off the premises as much as possible. I felt like the idea was being considered, but haven't heard a thing since.
Yesterday, I discovered that the devastation of my garden, which I had previously attributed to moles from below and deer from above, had taken a turn for the...well, creepy. Because Something knocked half of my tomatoes off the stems, and then bit them.
Big whoop, you say. Deer, you say. Ever heard of deer that leave one row of very human-looking teeth marks? Yep. One row. Like something that only has one row, either top or bottom, of about four to eight human-shaped teeth of the size you'd find on a fairly young child.
(shudder)
I am willing to accept any rational explanation for this. In fact, I'd prefer one. But dammnit, I am a country girl, I know what deer and bunny teeth look like, and this ain't it.
Suggestions, folks? I've sprinkled coyote piss granules and put up fencing, and am considering a nice "hex sign" on the fence. But what I'd really like to know is what, or Who, is in this damn yard.
I did no such thing, of course. I put a protective circle around us, waited for the dog to do business, and then went calmly inside. I thought whatever it was would see that A. trying to scare me wasn't fun and B. that we meant it no harm. I was wrong. The Scary persisted, though it's lessened somewhat.
Now, this is the Creepy part.
I advised the Scary Thing, after an annoying visit by Crazy Landlady last week, that I was certainly less likely to annoy it than she is, so it might consider helping me keep her off the premises as much as possible. I felt like the idea was being considered, but haven't heard a thing since.
Yesterday, I discovered that the devastation of my garden, which I had previously attributed to moles from below and deer from above, had taken a turn for the...well, creepy. Because Something knocked half of my tomatoes off the stems, and then bit them.
Big whoop, you say. Deer, you say. Ever heard of deer that leave one row of very human-looking teeth marks? Yep. One row. Like something that only has one row, either top or bottom, of about four to eight human-shaped teeth of the size you'd find on a fairly young child.
(shudder)
I am willing to accept any rational explanation for this. In fact, I'd prefer one. But dammnit, I am a country girl, I know what deer and bunny teeth look like, and this ain't it.
Suggestions, folks? I've sprinkled coyote piss granules and put up fencing, and am considering a nice "hex sign" on the fence. But what I'd really like to know is what, or Who, is in this damn yard.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Wherein The Ocelot Discovers Her Husband Is Pretty Good At Witchery.
Setting: Renfaire. Time: Yesterday. Place: Prince of Wales Pub at TRF. Husband is buying beer, bantering with the bartender (a straight woman) and a performer (a young gay man). Our Heroine (me) comes up behind Husband, banters along with bartender and young man for a moment, and then -
HUSBAND: We need to leave now.
ME: What? (figuring either Young Man or Bartender has freaked him out somehow, which is pretty odd as he is not homophobic, not skeeved by older women, and a flirt to boot)
HUSBAND: (takes off out of Pub at a brisk pace)
ME: (plaintively, trying to drink raspberry mead while following) Why are we running?
Finally, we find an opportune stopping point.
H: The Ex-Husband and Ex-Co Wife were right behind us.
ME: (indifferent) Really? (thinks, gets puzzled) But I didn't see anybody. (Ex-Husband is a big man and not easily missed)
H: Yeah, well, I might have...done something so you didn't see him.
ME: WAIT, WHAT?! Since when can you make other people invisible to me?
H: Well, I thought you wouldn't want to see him and have it ruin your day, so...
ME: (brain bending at uncomfortable angles) SO YOU MADE HIM INVISIBLE SINCE WHEN CAN YOU DO THIS.
H: (a bit smugly) Didn't you think I was a good enough witch to do something like that?
ME: (sternly) That is not the point. HOW DID YOU DO THIS IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN MISS HIM.
H: (again with slight smug) All things are energy. So I just pushed him one way and you the other.
ME: (headbench) So now there's going to be weirdness about "Why did you two run off" and crap. It would have been better to just do the, "Oh hai seeya bye" thing. And by the way, again, HOW DID YOU DO THIS.
H: I told you. It isn't hard, and -
ME: (suspicious) Have you done this to me before?
H: (serious) No. I just thought it might ruin your day.
ME: No, it would not have ruined my day. It's a big Faire, and it is a beautiful cool day and I am here with the man I love who loves me. Seeing him doesn't do anything to change that. But you have to understand something.
H: What?
ME: THAT THIS IS LIKE GIVING YOUR KID A CHEMISTRY SET, SHOWING HIM HOW TO MAKE A BAKING-SODA AND VINEGAR VOLCANO, AND THEN FINDING HIM IN THE BASEMENT WITH A FULL ALCHEMICAL SETUP THE FOLLOWING WEEK.
H: (snickers)
ME: (despairs)
A stern "we do not make decisions for other people like that and this may be why you now have a hell of a headache" general lecture was issued. Another lecture on "let's use our witchery to create a computer glitch that makes the ocelot's student loan payments considerably smaller so she can actually pay them" will follow.*
*I'm kidding.
HUSBAND: We need to leave now.
ME: What? (figuring either Young Man or Bartender has freaked him out somehow, which is pretty odd as he is not homophobic, not skeeved by older women, and a flirt to boot)
HUSBAND: (takes off out of Pub at a brisk pace)
ME: (plaintively, trying to drink raspberry mead while following) Why are we running?
Finally, we find an opportune stopping point.
H: The Ex-Husband and Ex-Co Wife were right behind us.
ME: (indifferent) Really? (thinks, gets puzzled) But I didn't see anybody. (Ex-Husband is a big man and not easily missed)
H: Yeah, well, I might have...done something so you didn't see him.
ME: WAIT, WHAT?! Since when can you make other people invisible to me?
H: Well, I thought you wouldn't want to see him and have it ruin your day, so...
ME: (brain bending at uncomfortable angles) SO YOU MADE HIM INVISIBLE SINCE WHEN CAN YOU DO THIS.
H: (a bit smugly) Didn't you think I was a good enough witch to do something like that?
ME: (sternly) That is not the point. HOW DID YOU DO THIS IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN MISS HIM.
H: (again with slight smug) All things are energy. So I just pushed him one way and you the other.
ME: (headbench) So now there's going to be weirdness about "Why did you two run off" and crap. It would have been better to just do the, "Oh hai seeya bye" thing. And by the way, again, HOW DID YOU DO THIS.
H: I told you. It isn't hard, and -
ME: (suspicious) Have you done this to me before?
H: (serious) No. I just thought it might ruin your day.
ME: No, it would not have ruined my day. It's a big Faire, and it is a beautiful cool day and I am here with the man I love who loves me. Seeing him doesn't do anything to change that. But you have to understand something.
H: What?
ME: THAT THIS IS LIKE GIVING YOUR KID A CHEMISTRY SET, SHOWING HIM HOW TO MAKE A BAKING-SODA AND VINEGAR VOLCANO, AND THEN FINDING HIM IN THE BASEMENT WITH A FULL ALCHEMICAL SETUP THE FOLLOWING WEEK.
H: (snickers)
ME: (despairs)
A stern "we do not make decisions for other people like that and this may be why you now have a hell of a headache" general lecture was issued. Another lecture on "let's use our witchery to create a computer glitch that makes the ocelot's student loan payments considerably smaller so she can actually pay them" will follow.*
*I'm kidding.
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