Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Prompt - Relax, Don't Do it.

I gave some thought to Dropout Dilettante's Prompt about not getting our energies mixed up in the hey-I-made-it-three-days-time-to-go-back-to-SSDD stuff that'll be floating around. This is proving helpful in a weird way. WARNING: possibly TMI Girl Stuff Ahead.

I had my annual well-woman visit today, and after talking with my Gyn, decided to give up on the Depo that's been making my life hell for the past year. I mean, two months with no horrifying (yes, my periods are justly described as horrifying) periods is great. A month of bleeding so much that I can't leave the house is not. So I did what the Good Doc suggested in the first place last year, and got a bunch of samples of a Pill geared towards women my age. I just gave up on the Depo. I quit.

I feel oddly liberated, though at the same time so frustrated by this ridiculous fertility thing that I can't think straight. I am 40, have not wanted children since I was 20 or so (and even then, when I'd think about being home with one all day, I'd shudder - a good indicator that I Should Not Breed, EVAR), and should not have to think about this. When the Good Doc told me that it's "not your uterus's fault" the Depo isn't working for me, I wanted to scream, "OH YES IT IS I'VE HAD THIS SINCE I WAS TEN AND ENOUGH IS ENOUGH".

But I refrained, despite reading Hunter S. Thompson while waiting for the Good Doc.

I was also rather taken aback by the news that I'll have to return to condoms for a month while the pills kick in, since his nurse, when she gave me some to stop the Depo bleeding in July, DIDN'T BOTHER TO MENTION THAT PILLS IN COMBINATION WITH DEPO COULD MAKE ME OVULATE.

Yeah. Let that sink in a minute. This woman didn't bother to tell a 40-year-old woman who's obviously avoiding pregnancy like the plague that this could get her knocked up. A NURSE. I need to have a chat about this with the Good Doc sometime soon, because I was so busy swallowing my own tongue with outrage that I couldn't manage it today.

And that was the other way I gave myself something nice, as DD suggested - I didn't do the necessary-and-effective-but-tiring thing of being the agent of a proper and deserved ass-reaming. You can thank me later, Incompetent Nurse. Because I went to the barn and tended my horse and then came home for a margarita instead of getting you in well-deserved trouble.

How does this have to do with anything magical, you ask? It doesn't, I suppose, except maybe as an example of knowing when to Relax, Don't Do It. Despite my Goal of tossing magic at situations, I know better than to try it here, because whether I like it or not, this is a natural process that needs to run its course with as little interference as possible - trying to blast my own womb, hate it though I do, cannot end up anywhere good. Call me a hypocrite if you will, since I belong to a fertility religion yet will take the Pill and Depo, but I'm not ready to make it stop through Any Means Necessary just yet.

The next gift I'm giving myself is Not Getting Shit Done for the rest of the day. Pbbbt, world.


  1. I understand how you feel. I'm 34 and haven't wanted children since I was in my 20s too. I've had a Uterus of Horror for that length of time. It sucks.
    I'm sure you've thought of this but I'll suggest it anyway- Even though you follow a fertility religion, there are other ways to be fruitful than having a kid. There's fruitfulness of mind- crafting, writing, heck, even daydreaming.
    Anyway- I don't think you're a hypocrite at all. I think you're following the path that's right for you.

  2. (nods) Yeah, I know/get what you mean about fruitfulness being expressed in other ways. Maybe that's part of it - if I'm not being fruitful in my riding/crafting/Craft, then They'll make me worry about my *actual* fruitfulness, lol.

    Here's to the irony of fertility-worshipping people who don't want to be fertile themselves! (raises glass to you)

  3. I too am child free by choice and part of the goddess religion! Frankly I'm too busy giving birth to too many other things through writing and crafting and Crafting to be an awesome mom. Also I'm selfish and want my time to be my time and I'm okay with that. I'm an awesome auntie and a caring nanny and that's as close as I want to get.

    Good for you for making choices that are right for *you*! And double good on the pony and margarita time!

  4. My girlfriend took the only sensible step if you don't want children: She had a tubal ligation. It was fairly simple, and her insurance paid for it. Don't know if that's an option for you, but she's never been happier. No more worrying about it.


  5. @ Deb - I hear you on the auntie thing. I anticipate finding my nephew on my doorstep when he hits the Terrible Teens, with a note that says, "PUT THIS ON YOUR HORSE UNTIL IT'S 18", lol.

    @ Monsignor - sadly, not an option for me. I've known too many women for whom a tubal made their monthly afflictions *worse*, and though there's no scientific reason for it, my Gyn the Good Doc confirmed that it can and does happen.

    And lest you think the men in my life are selfish bastards, First Husband got fixed ten years ago because it's easier on men than women. But Second Husband is only 21, and no doc will give a man that age the snip even if he knows he doesn't want kids with anyone. (shrugs) It's a waiting game at this point.

  6. My husband got fixed for me. He didn't want me to have an invasive surgery because he was afraid for his balls :D

    ./drinks a toast

  7. @ a greenbranch - (nods) Second Husband would get the snip, if A. he had his own insurance his crazy mom wouldn't see it on and B. he wasn't 21 and unlikely to find a doc who'll snip him at this age.

    First husband went in for his with much aplomb, for much the same reason. We spent a great NYE 2000 (a day after his snip) watching Bruce Lee movies, stretching my riding boots, eating grilled cheese sammiches, and putting frozen peas on his bits. Neither of us has ever regretted it - in fact, I think it's been a great source of relief.

  8. @ The ocelot
    Omg frozen peas... that must be the go-to item for vasectomies because husband-creature used those too. We spent most of our time playing video games and eating cheesy bacon fries.
    It has been a great source of relief for us too. I can't take any form of the Pill due to allergies, Depo made me suicidal, and IUDs and other minimally-invasive stuffs are right out as I have Interstitial Cystitis which could be brought out of remission by diddling around in that area.
    So sad that the docs won't allow Second Husband to make up his mind about his reproductive status. They just don't take people seriously who would rather be aunts and uncles or "get out of my yard!" curmudgeons such as myself.
    P.S. We never told my mother either.

  9. "Maybe that's part of it - if I'm not being fruitful in my riding/crafting/Craft, then They'll make me worry about my *actual* fruitfulness, lol."

    THIS. I don't want kids, but when I'm not being fruitful in my writing/acting/crafting/learning about Crafting, the "why aren't you breee-diinnnggg?" demons swoop down and torment me into patriarchal self-loathing, and then of course blame me for Being A Victim.