Friday, August 31, 2012

A Change in Perspective.

I don't really believe that people change, or at least, not very often. Do we get more set in our ways as time goes on? Sure. But by and large, I believe that leopards don't change their spots.

On the other hand, when is it useful to make a concerted effort to change? After a wonderful meeting with Trothwy today, I started considering something she said today in conjunction with something the Husband had said before The Disaster (as I've come to think of it).

About two weeks before The Disaster, I was saying to the Husband that I'd love to be one of these people who gets up at the crack of dawn, goes for a run (OK, probably a walk in my case), and then gets stuff done all day. "So why don't you become that person?" he asked.

Then Trothwy said today that she tries not to entertain negative thoughts (I'm paraphrasing). I'd like to do that, too - to be able, finally, to just let go of things.

I have a million excuses. I'm tired at 5am. I get wicked shin splints. I need to get groceries. I'll need to go to work too early. I was going to take my dog, who isn't with me yet. Not being able to let go of things is just part of who I am. I'm justified in being righteously pissed off and in neither forgiving or forgetting. They're all lame, really. 

I don't have to forgive or forget, but I don't have to dwell on my resentments, either. I was talking to Trothwy today, and while a great deal of it was a Rant-A-Rama, there were some good things, too. Cooking is a lot less stressful. Pet management is a lot less stressful. Hell, the general atmosphere is a lot less stressful. Is the money a constant worry? Sure. But if I get a great opportunity to move out-of-state for a job I really want, that's possible now. While I love and care for my housemates and strive not to be a pain in their asses, they generally tend to their own emotional health. So why not start looking at things differently? Why not start trying to react to things differently? I don't have to be perfect. I shouldn't expect 100% consistency.

All I can do is try, and I think it may well be worth it.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

One Month.

On this date last month, Former First Husband revealed that he was no longer in love with me and no longer wanted to be married to me.

A month already. A month and a day ago, I had two husbands, and, despite storms in the relationship, I was happy. Now I'm learning to be happy again - or I'm remembering.

Yesterday, the now Husband and I ran out to get some necessary things at Lowe's. We needed one of the big, flat carts, and when it was emptied into Husband's little hatchback, I rode it like a skateboard to one of the cart corrals just to see if I could. While Husband threatened to drive off (all in good fun), I ignored him and kept skateboarding along, while thinking two things: 1. this parking lot lacks a certain something for this new sport I've created and 2. hey, I'm me again.

I'm getting there. Some days are better than others. I'm looking forward to Full Moon with the wonderful Seekers' Circle. I'm thinking my altar needs to go back up, that I need an offering bowl for the kitchen, that I need to formally introduce myself to the Land here (even if it's been incredibly welcoming with not much effort from me).

While I get back to being me, I need to get back to Them. I can hear Them while I sit here, outside, looking up at the big pines - yes, you're in pain. Yes, the life you knew and loved is gone. But We are here, We always will be, and We are waiting for you.

I will heed Their call; tonight, I will go out into the front meadow and raise my chalice to Them with a heart that is both heavy and filled with light.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Cure For What Ails You.

First, thanks to everyone for their sympathies about the divorce. It's one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, and that's saying something.

Now - the cure for what ails me.

I spoke to the owner at the Lesson Barn today (where I ride, but don't teach...yet). She asked a couple of really polite questions that added up to "Can you handle this and not blubber all over the clients?" I told her that I've been teaching while this has been going on, and that I don't talk about it to the kids or their parents, because I simply don't want to. Everything gets put on the back burner when I'm with the horses; for one thing, distraction is dangerous around horses, and for another, horses drive everything else out of my mind when I'm with them.

The saddle. The bit and reins. The horse under me or beside me, and nothing else matters, and I have only known the same peace in circle. Things may get intense or scary or funny or what-have-you, but there's a tranquility at the root of it that I don't seem to get except with horses and the Craft.

Gardening, hiking and camping come close. I'd love to combine Craft, riding, and camping, and take an overnight trail ride with a bunch of other witches and see what happens.

Besides my big grey loon tossing me ass-over-teakettle and everyone spending all day finding him, I mean.

Friday, August 10, 2012


I know I've gone quiet. First there was Horse Camp. Now, as of two weeks ago yesterday, the Former First Husband and I are divorcing.

I'm scrambling to find a decent used car (having already gotten screwed on one) and trying to move the rest of my and Second Husband's things from Former First Husband and Former Co-Wife's house.

If you have a moment, good thoughts and good energy are greatly appreciated. I'll be back when I can.