OK. I thought a lot, and wrote a lot, and decided that it was devolving into a tl:dr thing. So I decided to sum up.
I don't think "open" rituals that exclude people should happen in public venues like PantheaCon. I think rituals that exclude people should be subject to critical thought. I think when people are excluded for demonstrably sexist, racist, homo/hetero/trans/biphobic, classist, or ableist reasons, such exclusions should be called out for what they are. But I don't think that criticizing something, or even rejecting it wholeheartedly, means we have to oppress the people involved in turn.
I read a blog called "I Blame The Patriarchy." I don't agree with a lot of it, but I do agree with Twisty Faster/Jill's idea that patriarchy is bad for everyone, that none of us escape it, that we all have to participate in it to some extent, that it gives all of us particular privileges. I also believe that patriarchy exists, and Kenaz Filan's blog post this morning, whose tone largely suggests that it doesn't, is the height of irony in a country where consent to sexual intercourse is being equated to consent to an invasive medical procedure if you want an abortion.
Filan took a particular Dianic lesbian to task on pir blog today; this same lesbian was told about her "privilege" for being "cis" somewhere else yesterday (again, I read it, but now can't find and quote it directly), and I thought, "Hey, wait - she never said she wasn't a butch, which would wipe that 'cis privilege' right the hell out, so *now* who's being unaware of their privilege?" There have been other comments in other places that have a similar sexist flavor. This disturbs me.
Can't we say that Z is transphobic without the near-gleeful observations about the death of lesbian separatism and/or a disabled woman's reliance on assistance that comes from the patriarchy that is our government? Can't we say that it's wrong to exclude someone for not being "enough" of something, without smugly pointing the Privilege Finger? Can't we say that perhaps some Dianics might not want anyone who even vaguely reminds them of a man in their circles without saying how dysfunctional they are and that therefore their beliefs aren't doing them much good?
Let's not get so busy rightfully taking Z to task for her transphobia that we forget not to be sexist, shall we?